Meet the Spartans - 2008
½ Out of ****
Meet the Spartans, the unofficial sequel to last years hellish Epic Movie, exhibits countless paradoxical dilemmas. One such example is that, excluding the credits, this film runs at just over an hour, and thusly is barely a movie, yet in wishing it had more substance would in part subject the viewer to extended torment. Aside from such philosophical debates, directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who apparently are competing with Uwe Boll as the worst directors of our generation with Date Movie and epic Movie behind them, have been gravely misinformed about what constitutes a successful parody.
Thusly, I would like to officially clear up a few things with the hope that the directors will at some point cross paths with this review. Firstly, lethargically referencing something does not immediately constitute satire. Secondly, in order to successfully spoof something, said reference must have at least a vague tie to the context of the scene, or mood of the film. Next, referencing things from a) old movies that lie outside of the knowledge of the demographic are destined to fail, and b) referencing online videos is not only lazy, but outwardly and utterly obnoxious. Volume does not immediately equal quality. There are so many references, to everything, that I literally lost count (I initially had a list going). These are some noble truths of parodying, and thou shall not temp me further with again breaking these sacred vows.
Meet the Spartans follows the same basic plot outline as 300, but it becomes overwrought and muddled with the amount of references that are packed into the hour running time. Sean Maguire plays Leonidas and what little charm this film can muster comes not from his acting ability or script, but from seeing Maguire do his Gerard Butler impersonation. Carmen Electra (who has never been even remotely amusing, only eye candy) plays the queen, Ken Davitian plays Xerxes and Kevin Sorbo the Captain. One thing that did impress me was at how muscular some of the actors actually were. With such derivative drivel being driven home, it is odd to see the dedication the actors put forth. The film follows Leonidas as he confronts Xerxes at the hot gates, facing certain death against the massive army before him.
One of the most obnoxious elements (believe me, there are a lot) is that every character parodied is either addressed by name or has their name written on them. At one point the narrator actually tells us what movie an actor has previously appeared in, just to make sure we got the joke. That is how desperate for laughs this film is. There are scenes, where all it is a shot by shot recreation of 300. No, differences, not even any lame references, just a clone of the original, which I assume is somehow funny. One scene the audience will recognize, goes on for so long, I was actually impressed that they hadn’t just cut the scene from the original and pasted it in. Then eventually, the source material fighting was replaced by towel snapping, wedgies and purple nurples. The most success (this being very, very limited) is driven from simplicity, such as when Leonidas says “We shall funnel the Persian army into the hot gates, where their numbers won’t count for shit.” This got a chuckle out of me, but nothing more.
My golden rule for terrible comedies is that the scenes that will pull out the most laughs are those that cause disbelief, pertaining to the shock that you are actually seeing what you think you are on screen. In Meet the Spartans, this rule takes the form of an extended spoof of Grand Theft Auto, which you will have to see to believe; In fact I’m still not sure if I dreamed it or not. This leads me into my final rant, which is the shameless product placement that is exhibited. One may argue that this is supposed to be backhanded, a parody itself of product placement in films, but I think we know this directing duo better. There are more then a dozen blatant ads including, Dentyne Ice, Wii, Gatorade, Subway, Budweiser, a handful of television shows and the aforementioned Grand Theft Auto video game.
The only truly amusing element of this film is attempting to figure out which film (Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans) is better, or should I say worse. If I was forced to watch one again, what would it be? I am truly torn regarding this decision, because they are both so deplorable that it would be like being asked if you wished to be kicked in the right or the left testicle with a steel toed boot. Either way it is going to be a painful experience that will leave an unfavourable lasting impression.
© 2008 Simon Brookfield
